Sunday, August 29, 2010

I am a Gooey Sentimental Fool ...

I don’t often write mushy or gooey blogs – I find them less entertaining to read and they really aren’t that fun for me to write either. I save that kind of stuff for my journal and even then it’s not really my thing. It comes off sounding fake of foofy. You know what I mean … foofy. But I’m about to drop a gooey bomb on you.

In Peace Corps you have plenty of time to be pensive. More time than you would ever need or want in a lifetime. But I’ve lately been contemplating my current and past situations and have made a decision. While I have enjoyed my time here in Fiji and in Peace Corps, I sometimes feel like I could have a more improved attitude. The rollercoaster of emotions that accompanies my day are made of such severe highs that one can only accept that the corresponding lows are also severe. I don’t like that. I want an attitude adjustment, so I’ve ordered one online.

I’ve realized that I’ve lived in some pretty great places, yet it isn’t until after I’ve left those places that I truly appreciate them. I was in Chapel Hill for 4 years and spent almost 2 of those years abroad trying to not be there. I resented being in Chapel Hill because UNC was not my top choice school – so even though I enjoyed Chapel Hill and found it a pleasant place to live – in the back of my mind I had always thought that I’d be having so much more fun at Dartmouth. Then I was in Charleston and because I had moved there from Hawaii was resentful of the fact that I was no longer in paradise. But anyone who has been to Charleston knows how charming it is! I realized this in my final year and a half studying there, but again – also had a hard time realizing how lucky I was to live there because I felt held hostage by my studies that would never end.

Now I find myself in Fiji and half the time I am counting down the months until I get to leave. Although I realize now it is not that I am counting down until I leave, but more until I get to see my family and friends again. Until I get to eat some of my favorite foods again. Just to be clear: I love living here and that other half of the time that I am NOT counting down the time until I return home, I am silently freaking out about leaving – because how could I leave. It’s a scary notion to imagine not falling asleep to the sound of the real ocean – not the one made by my iPod docking station. I do appreciate how lucky I am – believe me.

But, there are plenty of times I am frustrated because I don’t feel like I am making the difference I intended to by joining the Peace Corps. I don’t like how this or that project is or is not moving forward. And sometimes I am just a little rude to the kids when they won’t give me a minute alone. I’ve just decided I want to live in the moment more. I will walk on the beach at least once a day. I will stare at the islands in the distance and realize that I will probably never again have a view like this out my window. And those cultural differences that sometimes make me want to pull my hair out, I will laugh at more … not out loud of course … that could be rude.

Now … a few more list items:
- My toilet needs its own mosquito net for those 130 am trips to the bathroom.
- Cats drool!
- My community hall project started last week! We painted 60 sheets of tin with red roofing paint … I painted 10 of those and then the men finished the roof in 4 days!
- I have 3 frisbees here and no one in the village likes to play … or knows how to throw a Frisbee at all.
- I got my first mango last week and it isn’t even the season yet. I ate it yesterday and it was AMAZING! I need more.
- I’ve grown very attached to Lily – my puppy. I didn’t want her at first because it is hard to care for a dog here, but she is adorable and I love her now.
- I’m reading Wuthering Heights for the first time.
- I accidentally peed on the floor when I jumped off the toilet last week because I thought there was a spider on my back … that is something I look forward to never doing again in America.
- My new favorite joke: What is brown and sticky? Email me if you know the answer. No cheating!

1 comment:

The Nezt Big Zing said...

You are so darn cute, and I've been a terrible auntie. We miss you a ton and can't wait to see you too! Maybe we all will move to NC and be one big happy family!

Updates for you too:
Austin is in school in Idaho, it the foothills of some beautiful mountains, near the Canadian boarder...miss him soooo much, but an amazing opportunity for him.

Spencer is starting tackle football, should be one of the bigger kids out there, hope Mr. Softy will toughen up!

My website is growing every week! I am excited to share I am going to be a contributor for an on line magazine for moms with 100,000 mom subscribers!

love ya Jules