I am a Gooey Sentimental Fool ...

I don’t often write mushy or gooey blogs – I find them less entertaining to read and they really aren’t that fun for me to write either. I save that kind of stuff for my journal and even then it’s not really my thing. It comes off sounding fake of foofy. You know what I mean … foofy. But I’m about to drop a gooey bomb on you.

In Peace Corps you have plenty of time to be pensive. More time than you would ever need or want in a lifetime. But I’ve lately been contemplating my current and past situations and have made a decision. While I have enjoyed my time here in Fiji and in Peace Corps, I sometimes feel like I could have a more improved attitude. The rollercoaster of emotions that accompanies my day are made of such severe highs that one can only accept that the corresponding lows are also severe. I don’t like that. I want an attitude adjustment, so I’ve ordered one online.

I’ve realized that I’ve lived in some pretty great places, yet it isn’t until after I’ve left those places that I truly appreciate them. I was in Chapel Hill for 4 years and spent almost 2 of those years abroad trying to not be there. I resented being in Chapel Hill because UNC was not my top choice school – so even though I enjoyed Chapel Hill and found it a pleasant place to live – in the back of my mind I had always thought that I’d be having so much more fun at Dartmouth. Then I was in Charleston and because I had moved there from Hawaii was resentful of the fact that I was no longer in paradise. But anyone who has been to Charleston knows how charming it is! I realized this in my final year and a half studying there, but again – also had a hard time realizing how lucky I was to live there because I felt held hostage by my studies that would never end.

Now I find myself in Fiji and half the time I am counting down the months until I get to leave. Although I realize now it is not that I am counting down until I leave, but more until I get to see my family and friends again. Until I get to eat some of my favorite foods again. Just to be clear: I love living here and that other half of the time that I am NOT counting down the time until I return home, I am silently freaking out about leaving – because how could I leave. It’s a scary notion to imagine not falling asleep to the sound of the real ocean – not the one made by my iPod docking station. I do appreciate how lucky I am – believe me.

But, there are plenty of times I am frustrated because I don’t feel like I am making the difference I intended to by joining the Peace Corps. I don’t like how this or that project is or is not moving forward. And sometimes I am just a little rude to the kids when they won’t give me a minute alone. I’ve just decided I want to live in the moment more. I will walk on the beach at least once a day. I will stare at the islands in the distance and realize that I will probably never again have a view like this out my window. And those cultural differences that sometimes make me want to pull my hair out, I will laugh at more … not out loud of course … that could be rude.

Now … a few more list items:
- My toilet needs its own mosquito net for those 130 am trips to the bathroom.
- Cats drool!
- My community hall project started last week! We painted 60 sheets of tin with red roofing paint … I painted 10 of those and then the men finished the roof in 4 days!
- I have 3 frisbees here and no one in the village likes to play … or knows how to throw a Frisbee at all.
- I got my first mango last week and it isn’t even the season yet. I ate it yesterday and it was AMAZING! I need more.
- I’ve grown very attached to Lily – my puppy. I didn’t want her at first because it is hard to care for a dog here, but she is adorable and I love her now.
- I’m reading Wuthering Heights for the first time.
- I accidentally peed on the floor when I jumped off the toilet last week because I thought there was a spider on my back … that is something I look forward to never doing again in America.
- My new favorite joke: What is brown and sticky? Email me if you know the answer. No cheating!